I guess I feel badly because this is the first time I have really felt like I am a burden to others and have no means of support. I had thought the St. Vincent’s job was fairly secure, so wasn’t much worried about finding a job. I shouldn’t be so easily discouraged, I’ve hardly begun to look.
From the beginning every aspect of this project posed threats to my security, and to others–needing room and board, interrupting my college career, confronting the Selective Service System, leaving home, family, and a secured job. It was far from an easy step to take–in many ways I didn’t really want to do it.
People tell of being led to actions they didn’t want to take, which turned out to be the best thing they could have done. This is the first real action I have taken as a result of my trust in God. I am not sure this is what He would have me do. I must admit that I felt no sudden, overwhelming “calling” to this project (VSM). But I always remember what grandmother Lorene Standing said, that God’s will is often revealed to us in a series of small steps. Perhaps a series of steps led to this. Perhaps not. Some feel I am running away; hiding in the inner city. I hope that’s not true. It seems to me that it would be much easier to hide in college. Sometimes I fear I did it for the status afforded by being able to say I worked in the “inner city community”.
Whether I have really trusted God in the past, I don’t know. I just hope that I can do so now and in the future. It seems as though I almost have to. But we always find ways of getting out of it, if we want to. The strange thing is, we usually do want to get out of it. Where is security in the long run? What is a meaningful vocation?
My decision to join the Volunteer Service Mission is an outward manifestation of an inner change. Heretofore I had been struggling with the questions ‘who am I?’ and ‘what is my relationship to God and my fellow man?’ I think I have made some progress by means of worship, study and waiting; waiting for the guidance of the inner light. But a transition of beliefs into action is essential. I believe the Volunteer Service Mission is an opportunity for one’s actions to compliment one’s beliefs.